it's a choice.

Ever since my disorder, I have constantly tried to surround myself with a positive environment and avoid falling back into bad habits. I keep my friends and family close, I stay busy with school and activities, and I really try to focus on other people. I just try to be happy...and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that happiness is a choice. You get to choose your destiny and your happiness... how intimidating, yet exciting, is it to know that life is a blank page and that we get to put in it whatever we want. What is it that you really love? Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? Don't for one second think that you are not good enough or are incapable of reaching something BIG. In today's fast pace and high tech society, too many people are being judged by their surface and skimmed over. People are not being recognized for their true potential and they are forgetting what they can achieve. If they are not the best of the best, they are pushed down and told they will never make it...and after a while that can really wear on you...
So don't let the ways of the world get you down and make you feel small. Don't sell yourself short and think that you don't have enough of 'this or that' to get you where you want to go. Choose to be strong. Choose to work hard everyday. Choose to smile... and choose to be happy. No one can do it for you. 

keep pushing forward.

I'm not sure if I will ever fully overcome my eating disorder. The progress I have made is unmeasurable, and I feel like the pieces of my life have found their way back together, but I still go through those brief moments where I hate the way my body looks... I mean what girl doesn't really? ... I dance everyday and have to look at my body in tight dance clothes,in the mirror, for hours. Our minds can become so skewed in the way our bodies really look and as women, we are quick to compare our bodies to others. Some things that help me stay in the right mind set are: 

1. Don't use a scale. 
I used to weigh myself 2 or 3 times a day and the numbers would haunt me. That is the thing..... they are just numbers. I think they are a good base to go off of, but don't think you have to weigh a certain amount just because society tells you you have to. I go more off of the way my body feels then the scale. If you are going to weigh yourself, try to cut down the number of times you do it to once a week. 

2. Be in tune with your body.
It is crazy how interconnected everything is when it comes to the human body. When you eat a lot of junk, you feel it. You aren't as happy, you have less energy, and you just feel gross. When you eat healthy, you feel good! ...it's as simple as that. Instead of using a scale I just try to really stay in tune with how my body is feeling and what it needs. I try to give my body the nutrition it needs, as well as the physical activity, but not over do it. I am all about the fruits and veggies, but sometimes a cookie is just what you need:) I wouldn't touch sweets for the longest time during my eating disorder, but what I didn't know is that there can be a happy medium. I'm not telling you to binge out on dessert, but don't be afraid to eat it a little bit in moderation. If your body is getting the proper physical activity and nutrition, a cookie won't ruin that:) 

3. Don't forget to tell yourself how BEAUTIFUL you are. 
A lot of times we forget how beautiful our bodies really are. We were carved and created by a perfect Heavenly Father that made each and every limb special. He pieced us together in such a particular and beautiful way, and sometimes all we see are the things that we don't like. I want you to cherish your body a little more. Look at the amazing things you are able to do with it! I know it is cheesy and sometimes difficult, but make a list of things you love about your body. When all I see are the things I want to change, I don't realize how blessed I am to be able to run, jump, dance, and do the things I love with the body I have been given. Embrace everything about your body, from your head to your toes, and never forget the unique beauty that you have inside and out. 

one of those days...

We all have them. Those days where everything seems to be going wrong and we are feeling down. Those days when we have been trying to improve and be better, and all of our progress seems to crumble in front of us. 

If you are trying to overcome something as overpowering as an eating disorder, this can happen A LOT. 

Sometimes you just want to throw in the towel and disappear from the world for a while. Sometimes you think it is not worth it and all you can really do is cry.... & that's okay.

we all have one of those days... no matter our situation. 

...it's normal. 

I probably have these days more than I should. There is not always an explanation, and when that's the case, I seem to get even MORE annoyed with myself and everything around me. What is the cure? I am still working on that, but here are a few things I try that seem to help. 

1. Accept it. 

So many times I feel like I try to fight the negative way I am feeling and force myself to fake a smile and be happy. I have found that when I do this, it just makes it worse. I am not telling you to allow yourself to be mad or annoyed all of the time, but you should accept your emotion, and then move on from it. Sometimes it just feels good to cry or yell like a crazy person! And that's okay! As long as your freak out isn't negatively affecting someone else---let it out. I really like to write out all of my feelings and say whatever I want. I usually end up deleting it later, but it makes me feel a lot better... especially if my emotions at the time, and why I have them, can't be explained. I like to write. Cry. Vent (when appropriate). So don't try and fake it as much....Let it out and then move forward. 

2. Make a list 

Make a gratitude list. Once you start counting your blessings, you realize how truly lucky you are and those negative vibes seem to disappear a little. 

3. Work it out

I know that this is a blog about overcoming an eating disorder, but sometimes getting out of the house and sweating it out is all you need. 

Go on a walk, ride your bike, go to the gym...whatever gets those endorphins going! "Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands...they just don't"--Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) :) 

4. Social or Solo? 

Everyone is different when it comes to having days like this. Some people like to surround themselves with friends and loved ones, while others like to be by themselves. Which ever one works for you, take some time out of your day to make it happen and help you get out of your rut. Go do something you love and haven't done for a while. 

5. Deep breaths

Last but not least... breath. It sounds cheesy, but it really helps! Take a minute, close your eyes, and take 10 deeeeeep breaths. See if it makes a difference. 

Don't give up!! Remember to keep trying and pushing forward. Remember that trying is all you can do and you will have bad days. It's life.... especially when overcoming something big. You are making SO MUCH PROGRESS from just trying... even if you don't see it. 

baby steps.

Second... it is all about baby steps. If you are going through something as difficult as an eating disorder, be patient with yourself. It may feel like you aren't making any progress and that time is moving at an incredibly slow rate...but a baby step in this type of situation is really a leap & bound. Everyone is different--difficult times might take you a long time to get through, you may take a long time to forgive someone, but the biggest part is is that you try. That is all I ask in this post... 

One of the best helps for me was trying to focus on other people and serving them...trying to get my mind to shift gears away from myself and MY problem. I also tried to surround myself with people a lot. Even though I didn't want to, the people around me were a huge blessing. Try that today. 

Serve & Surround.

Try to have the desire to change..if anything, try for that everyday. 

try to be a little bit better.

try to smile a little more. 

Try.

And don't forget to give yourself credit & mark your progress. 

...you've got this. 

friends.

angels come into our lives each day, and in so many different ways. When I was trying to beat my disorder, the angel that appeared to me at such a vital moment was expansion. Expansion is a dance company directed by Bonnie Story, and the year that I did it is still one of the most memorable and heart warming times of my life. The company that I got to spend each and everyday with were my angels and my best friends. They helped me and inspired me more than they know... 

When we first started the dance year, the company loved to go out to eat after rehearsal. At first, I was just along for the ride and wouldn't order any food, but after several nights of this, and a lot of deeeeeep breaths, I gave it a go. I was eating out!! And I was OKAY with it! Sure I would order smaller portions, and the healthiest item I could find on the menu, but I was eating:) 
..I slowly started to eat a little more and build muscle from dancing. I was gaining weight and noticing it..especially being in front of a mirror everyday...but something was different. something felt different. Being with these incredible artists, and being told everyday by my director that I was a beautiful dancer and person, I was feeling so good about myself... and by some miracle I was feeling okay about gaining weight. My dancing was starting to look better and all of my passion and energy could be generated towards this beautiful art form. My mind wasn't completely consumed on food and losing weight anymore... I had a busy school and dance schedule, and friends constantly around me to help keep me distracted. I'm not exactly sure how, or when, but through some miracle--- I was overcoming my eating disorder. My mind was changing and starting to see all of the simple and beautiful things around me. I was focusing more on other people than myself and everything just seemed to look different.. look a little brighter. Family members and friends were commenting on how I had a different "light" about me. 

After a year of Expansion I had gained fifteen pounds and had found a piece of Sadie Rae again. I found myself through the art form that gave me everything and the angels that God sent me. I had my ups and downs through out the year, and definitely some break downs... but God gave me a miracle. truly. He had heard all of my prayers and helped me overcome such a toxic time in my life. I will forever be grateful for Bonnie Story and my Expansion friends that pulled me out from the deep end. 

... thinking about this whole experience makes me cry. It is so hard to revisit such memories and think of who I used to be... but I can honestly say I'm glad I went through it. Going through an eating disorder taught me so much and I hope that I can be a light for others going through something similar. I still have times where I complain about my body and have a hard time looking in the mirror, but overall I have come to love the skin i'm in. I still work out, whether its dancing or running at the gym, I try to eat healthy, but I eat out and enjoy a cookie sometimes too;) (or two). I still pray about it a lot too. To never go back to that place. I know that others have suffered much longer than I have, and at more critical levels...I am no miracle story.. but I have learned so much through my moment of struggle and I want to hopefully share some inspiration to whoever may need it. 

First things first.... you ARE stronger than you know. 

my come back.

I didn't wake up one morning and magically everything was back to normal...my small miracle didn't happen in one day...although I hoped it would happen that way. It was a sequence of baby steps, incredible people, and like I mentioned before, a whole lot of prayers. 

After about a year of hitting the pavement, swimming, and biking, I decided to start dancing and auditioning again. I began dance training and competing at a young age and soon the dance studio became my home. This art form shaped me as a person and made me feel more alive than anything else. It wasn't until I was at an audition and saw the way my frail, skinny body effected my dancing, that I became completely crushed. In that moment I realized the seriousness of my disorder and how it had truly ruined every last thing in my life. A small something sparked in me that day. Im not sure what it was, but I knew I couldn't let this addiction take away the one thing that made sense to me.

I kept auditioning for things and trying to get back in the game, but I wasn't booking anything. I remember feeling so defeated, until finally a company took a chance on me. I auditioned for Expansion, directed by the beautiful Bonnie Story, and little did I know...it would be my miracle. 

In too deep.

People's comments about my body weight soon turned from compliments to concern. At first I thought everyone was being over the top, but after months of only being able to think about food and working out, I knew that my new hobby had become something much more. My whole world had changed. Everything I thought about or cared about had changed, and I knew that my usual happy "spirit" was gone... but I couldn't stop. My brain was wired and I never saw my body as others did. I gained so much pleasure from seeing that number on the scale drop, and I HAD to keep losing weight. I became my worst nightmare and completely consumed. Consumed with the calories that were inside me and wanting to get them out. I ate the same simple, and very small diet everyday, and going a day without the gym would eat at me. Gaining one pound would eat at me. I tried purging a couple of times, but never was successful (a huge blessing). I was ruining not only myself, but all of the beauty around me---my friends, my family, my religion--none of those mattered anymore. 

I specifically remember coming home some nights, laying on my apartment floor, and crying so hard because I wanted it to all go away... but it didn't...and it wouldn't for a long time. No matter how hard my loved ones tried to help me with my disorder, I knew that it would take a miracle to overcome. So I did the only thing I could think of that could possibly help... I started to pray. I prayed to God so hard everyday that he would help me overcome this addiction. I cried and prayed, and cried and prayed for what felt like forever. At times I grew tired and felt like no one was listening on the other end. I gave up on myself and on my God ..I became angry..and there were moments where I never felt more alone. But through my tears and my struggle, someone was definitely listening, and slowly...very slowly..a small miracle made its way into my life. 

How It All Started

It is hard to pinpoint when and where my eating disorder started. It was the summer before my 2nd year of college, and I was living in St. George with some friends. The semester before, I had taken a health class and had fallen in love with the nutrition portion of the course. My sister had just recently become a health guru, and I lived with a roommate who was into eating super healthy as well. I had never been interested in working out or eating healthy before, but once I left high school and my daily, vigorous, dance schedule, I knew I wanted to lose a little bit of weight. I tried not eating, eating very little, but I hadn't learned enough about the combination of working out and eating healthy. I wanted to lose weight the right way, so I purchased a gym pass and started making a food plan. After sticking to my goal, I started to see results. I was losing weight and people were noticing. Everyone was telling me how good I looked and I was loving it! This pushed me to keep working hard. My sister and I made the goal to run a half marathon and I began training. I was either running, biking, or swimming everyday, and I was eating mainly fruits and vegetables. The weight was coming off and I was so happy with the way my body was feeling. I soon cut out all sweets, and if I indulged one night with a cookie or a milk shake, the next morning I was running or swimming double the distance. I had caught the "health bug", and I was addicted. Once I completed my first half marathon at the end of the Summer and had moved back to Provo to start Fall semester, I continued to train for more races and found myself at the gym everyday. I was no longer dancing and I didn't have very many friends, so healthy food and the gym became my friend... which would soon turn into my worst enemy. The weight kept sloughing off, my menstrual cycle had stopped, and my face broke out into horrible acne. I never wanted to go out to eat with peers, in fear of overeating, and my mind became completely consumed. It didn't matter what I ate--vegetables, or a burger and fries--if I ate what I thought was "too much", I would have a nervous breakdown full of tears and get to the gym as fast as possible. I soon started to hate myself, but I couldn't stop. My weight was low, my thighs didn't touch, and I thought my body looked the best it ever had. I didn't know it at the time that I had most definitely developed a type of Bulimia Nervosa (the non-purging type).