People's comments about my body weight soon turned from compliments to concern. At first I thought everyone was being over the top, but after months of only being able to think about food and working out, I knew that my new hobby had become something much more. My whole world had changed. Everything I thought about or cared about had changed, and I knew that my usual happy "spirit" was gone... but I couldn't stop. My brain was wired and I never saw my body as others did. I gained so much pleasure from seeing that number on the scale drop, and I HAD to keep losing weight. I became my worst nightmare and completely consumed. Consumed with the calories that were inside me and wanting to get them out. I ate the same simple, and very small diet everyday, and going a day without the gym would eat at me. Gaining one pound would eat at me. I tried purging a couple of times, but never was successful (a huge blessing). I was ruining not only myself, but all of the beauty around me---my friends, my family, my religion--none of those mattered anymore.
I specifically remember coming home some nights, laying on my apartment floor, and crying so hard because I wanted it to all go away... but it didn't...and it wouldn't for a long time. No matter how hard my loved ones tried to help me with my disorder, I knew that it would take a miracle to overcome. So I did the only thing I could think of that could possibly help... I started to pray. I prayed to God so hard everyday that he would help me overcome this addiction. I cried and prayed, and cried and prayed for what felt like forever. At times I grew tired and felt like no one was listening on the other end. I gave up on myself and on my God ..I became angry..and there were moments where I never felt more alone. But through my tears and my struggle, someone was definitely listening, and slowly...very slowly..a small miracle made its way into my life.
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