friends.

angels come into our lives each day, and in so many different ways. When I was trying to beat my disorder, the angel that appeared to me at such a vital moment was expansion. Expansion is a dance company directed by Bonnie Story, and the year that I did it is still one of the most memorable and heart warming times of my life. The company that I got to spend each and everyday with were my angels and my best friends. They helped me and inspired me more than they know... 

When we first started the dance year, the company loved to go out to eat after rehearsal. At first, I was just along for the ride and wouldn't order any food, but after several nights of this, and a lot of deeeeeep breaths, I gave it a go. I was eating out!! And I was OKAY with it! Sure I would order smaller portions, and the healthiest item I could find on the menu, but I was eating:) 
..I slowly started to eat a little more and build muscle from dancing. I was gaining weight and noticing it..especially being in front of a mirror everyday...but something was different. something felt different. Being with these incredible artists, and being told everyday by my director that I was a beautiful dancer and person, I was feeling so good about myself... and by some miracle I was feeling okay about gaining weight. My dancing was starting to look better and all of my passion and energy could be generated towards this beautiful art form. My mind wasn't completely consumed on food and losing weight anymore... I had a busy school and dance schedule, and friends constantly around me to help keep me distracted. I'm not exactly sure how, or when, but through some miracle--- I was overcoming my eating disorder. My mind was changing and starting to see all of the simple and beautiful things around me. I was focusing more on other people than myself and everything just seemed to look different.. look a little brighter. Family members and friends were commenting on how I had a different "light" about me. 

After a year of Expansion I had gained fifteen pounds and had found a piece of Sadie Rae again. I found myself through the art form that gave me everything and the angels that God sent me. I had my ups and downs through out the year, and definitely some break downs... but God gave me a miracle. truly. He had heard all of my prayers and helped me overcome such a toxic time in my life. I will forever be grateful for Bonnie Story and my Expansion friends that pulled me out from the deep end. 

... thinking about this whole experience makes me cry. It is so hard to revisit such memories and think of who I used to be... but I can honestly say I'm glad I went through it. Going through an eating disorder taught me so much and I hope that I can be a light for others going through something similar. I still have times where I complain about my body and have a hard time looking in the mirror, but overall I have come to love the skin i'm in. I still work out, whether its dancing or running at the gym, I try to eat healthy, but I eat out and enjoy a cookie sometimes too;) (or two). I still pray about it a lot too. To never go back to that place. I know that others have suffered much longer than I have, and at more critical levels...I am no miracle story.. but I have learned so much through my moment of struggle and I want to hopefully share some inspiration to whoever may need it. 

First things first.... you ARE stronger than you know.